Remembering Jenna on her birthday-August 17th
2019-My dear, sweet, Jenna. From the moment you were conceived you have been a beacon of light in my life. You continue to teach me just how precious life is and that in the worst of times life can present some of the most precious and beautiful moments too.
Usually I put to word my feelings on this day early in the morning. For some reason words failed me. Throughout the day, though, I realized why. Today is Jenna's 18th birthday. I found hard to imagine her as a young woman. What would she be doing? What would she look like? How would her personality be? Introverted like her dad, or a conversationalist like her mom? Jenna would be starting her senior year of high school in a few weeks and even with that in mind, I still struggled to really envision who she would be today.
Then came Frank and another angel that Jenna set in my path. While trying to pick out Jenna's balloons a young man in the store asked if he could help. I was having trouble deciding on balloons because, well, how does one pick? I told him I needed birthday balloons for my daughter. When he asked her age I simply said "18." He then asked what she likes. When I told him that they were for the cemetery, he paused and said, "I am so sorry. My sister passed away three years ago and my mom hasn't gotten over it. I don't expect her to either. It is something you should never go through." Such a strong statement from such a young man, who then went on to help me find the right balloons.
While at the cemetery, I noticed a gentleman tending to a grave consisting of 2 headstones and one flush marker. The flowers he was tending to were so beautiful and in full bloom. A happy birthday balloon was tied to a cat figurine just inside the flowers which caught my eye. Noting how beautiful the flowers were, I asked him whose birthday it was. He pointed and said, "It is my son's birthday. This is my wife, my daughter and my son." My heart sank for Frank in that moment and all I could muster was an 'I am so sorry.' He smiled and said "life is for living, but always remember." I pointed across the way and said, "My daughter. It is her birthday today, too." His response was simple and yet profound. "You know then."
In the moment of silence that followed came an instant connection. Yes I do know and we are now forever bonded through our grief. No words need be spoken by either of us to understand the heartache today. And with just a smile and a heartfelt conversation we lifted each other up when we needed it most. A profound gift out of such an unthinkable tragedy.
2018-Grieving the loss of a child is an unending journey. When you have a child, you will love that child forever. That is simply how it is. I realize that I will be on this journey for the remainder of my life. While that may sound like a heavy burden to carry, it isn't as heavy as it once was. In this moment, during my life's journey, I am at peace with knowing that this is who I am and this is something that will be a part of me for the remainder of my life.
Recently, I read a quote that really resonated with me. It reminded me of different times along the path of my grief journey.
The rain makes us remember how much we love the sun.
The sun makes us remember how much we love the sky.
The sky makes us remember how much we love life.
Remember.
By Kalani Queypo
The rain began the day my beautiful Jenna died. Very early on, it felt as if it would never end as my heart was broken into a million pieces. But then this amazing thing happened. Everyone around me supported me in one way or another, shining their light, guiding me through a very dark path to where I was able to see the sky.
When I was able to have that clearer view of my life, I realized that the love I have for Jenna is never-ending and never diminished. I needed to live my life the way she wanted me to be. That didn't mean there wasn't any more tears. They still come when least expected. But now, I am able to appreciate all that the winds blow my way and I can manage anything that casts a shadow on the love and light in my life. I look forward to tomorrow and can find love and happiness in the moment. I have a better appreciation for the fragility of life - and how profoundly beautiful it can be even in the simplest of things.
There are so many memories that make up a person's life. I cling to those special moments with Jenna as that is all I have of her. I remember how she would hold my hands in hers and rub my fingers to go to sleep, and how her Great Grandfather would make duck noises at her and she would make them back. I remember how she would sit and watch you do something just so she could figure it out for herself. I remember how music would inspire her to instantly dance around the room. I remember the time she consoled me after she fell and bumped her head by cupping my cheeks in her tiny little hands, looking me straight in the eyes and smiling at me. I remember her loving nature.
Jenna is missed beyond measure, but remembering Jenna doesn't bring sadness, it brings love. Remembering Jenna brings a smile to my heart and is a reminder that there is so much beauty all around us-seen and unseen. Be open to it all, take it in and never take it for granted, and, most of all, approach life with the love and enthusiasm that Jenna did.
Usually I put to word my feelings on this day early in the morning. For some reason words failed me. Throughout the day, though, I realized why. Today is Jenna's 18th birthday. I found hard to imagine her as a young woman. What would she be doing? What would she look like? How would her personality be? Introverted like her dad, or a conversationalist like her mom? Jenna would be starting her senior year of high school in a few weeks and even with that in mind, I still struggled to really envision who she would be today.
Then came Frank and another angel that Jenna set in my path. While trying to pick out Jenna's balloons a young man in the store asked if he could help. I was having trouble deciding on balloons because, well, how does one pick? I told him I needed birthday balloons for my daughter. When he asked her age I simply said "18." He then asked what she likes. When I told him that they were for the cemetery, he paused and said, "I am so sorry. My sister passed away three years ago and my mom hasn't gotten over it. I don't expect her to either. It is something you should never go through." Such a strong statement from such a young man, who then went on to help me find the right balloons.
While at the cemetery, I noticed a gentleman tending to a grave consisting of 2 headstones and one flush marker. The flowers he was tending to were so beautiful and in full bloom. A happy birthday balloon was tied to a cat figurine just inside the flowers which caught my eye. Noting how beautiful the flowers were, I asked him whose birthday it was. He pointed and said, "It is my son's birthday. This is my wife, my daughter and my son." My heart sank for Frank in that moment and all I could muster was an 'I am so sorry.' He smiled and said "life is for living, but always remember." I pointed across the way and said, "My daughter. It is her birthday today, too." His response was simple and yet profound. "You know then."
In the moment of silence that followed came an instant connection. Yes I do know and we are now forever bonded through our grief. No words need be spoken by either of us to understand the heartache today. And with just a smile and a heartfelt conversation we lifted each other up when we needed it most. A profound gift out of such an unthinkable tragedy.
2018-Grieving the loss of a child is an unending journey. When you have a child, you will love that child forever. That is simply how it is. I realize that I will be on this journey for the remainder of my life. While that may sound like a heavy burden to carry, it isn't as heavy as it once was. In this moment, during my life's journey, I am at peace with knowing that this is who I am and this is something that will be a part of me for the remainder of my life.
Recently, I read a quote that really resonated with me. It reminded me of different times along the path of my grief journey.
The rain makes us remember how much we love the sun.
The sun makes us remember how much we love the sky.
The sky makes us remember how much we love life.
Remember.
By Kalani Queypo
The rain began the day my beautiful Jenna died. Very early on, it felt as if it would never end as my heart was broken into a million pieces. But then this amazing thing happened. Everyone around me supported me in one way or another, shining their light, guiding me through a very dark path to where I was able to see the sky.
When I was able to have that clearer view of my life, I realized that the love I have for Jenna is never-ending and never diminished. I needed to live my life the way she wanted me to be. That didn't mean there wasn't any more tears. They still come when least expected. But now, I am able to appreciate all that the winds blow my way and I can manage anything that casts a shadow on the love and light in my life. I look forward to tomorrow and can find love and happiness in the moment. I have a better appreciation for the fragility of life - and how profoundly beautiful it can be even in the simplest of things.
There are so many memories that make up a person's life. I cling to those special moments with Jenna as that is all I have of her. I remember how she would hold my hands in hers and rub my fingers to go to sleep, and how her Great Grandfather would make duck noises at her and she would make them back. I remember how she would sit and watch you do something just so she could figure it out for herself. I remember how music would inspire her to instantly dance around the room. I remember the time she consoled me after she fell and bumped her head by cupping my cheeks in her tiny little hands, looking me straight in the eyes and smiling at me. I remember her loving nature.
Jenna is missed beyond measure, but remembering Jenna doesn't bring sadness, it brings love. Remembering Jenna brings a smile to my heart and is a reminder that there is so much beauty all around us-seen and unseen. Be open to it all, take it in and never take it for granted, and, most of all, approach life with the love and enthusiasm that Jenna did.
2017-When you lose someone, there is always that “mourning period” when a bereaved person is expected to work through their grief. And when that has been achieved I think the world’s expectation is that you go back to being ‘normal’. What I think most people miss, is that when you have lost a child you not only mourn the loss of the individual, you also mourn the loss of all those hopes and dreams you had for that child.
Let’s face it, we all do it. When our children are born, we envision things like their first day of school, graduations, first loves, growing into brilliant-minded adults, marriage, and even grandchildren. We plan for their future. But when your child dies, the rest of your life is spent wondering what those moments would have been like.
Today, I am faced with one of those moments, Jenna’s “Sweet Sixteen”. And rather than planning for family and friends to come celebrate with us, my husband, my daughter and I are taking balloons and flowers to the cemetery. Days like these physically hurt my heart. Kind words from family and friends helps tremendously, but still the pain exists.
I truly believe that through every act of kindness we do, she is still making her impact on this world. To continue her legacy, we try to find ways to make a difference for someone in memory of Jenna. It is in doing these acts of kindness that we find comfort.
We miss our beautiful little Jenna tremendously. We always will. That is simply how it is when you are the parents of an angel. And while we always wish we had more time, we are forever grateful for the time we did have together.
Let’s face it, we all do it. When our children are born, we envision things like their first day of school, graduations, first loves, growing into brilliant-minded adults, marriage, and even grandchildren. We plan for their future. But when your child dies, the rest of your life is spent wondering what those moments would have been like.
Today, I am faced with one of those moments, Jenna’s “Sweet Sixteen”. And rather than planning for family and friends to come celebrate with us, my husband, my daughter and I are taking balloons and flowers to the cemetery. Days like these physically hurt my heart. Kind words from family and friends helps tremendously, but still the pain exists.
I truly believe that through every act of kindness we do, she is still making her impact on this world. To continue her legacy, we try to find ways to make a difference for someone in memory of Jenna. It is in doing these acts of kindness that we find comfort.
We miss our beautiful little Jenna tremendously. We always will. That is simply how it is when you are the parents of an angel. And while we always wish we had more time, we are forever grateful for the time we did have together.
2016-Oh dear sweet Jenna. For some reason that last day taking you into daycare has been on my mind lately. I still hear your little voice in the car on the way there exclaiming, "nome..mama...nome" because it has snowed the night before. I also remember you talking with your caregiver saying, "ma ma" over and over again, pointing at me, until she acknowledged what you were telling her. I remember how I felt that moment leaving you. I was heartbroken to leave, but proud that you were saying to the world, "hey that's my mom!". I love you with all my heart, and I know that you loved me with all yours. I remember a few months before you died, you had fallen and hit your head. Being the "first time mom" I took you to the emergency room. You were FINE, but mommy was not. And as I held you in my arms, you cupped my cheeks in your hands and stared into my eyes as if to say, "it's okay." I try to keep that memory in my head when times get tough.
Jenna, you are terribly missed, and so very loved. And yes, Jenna, mommy is okay. She just misses you more than words can say. Happy birthday wherever you are. I hope that you are hopping around like Roo, dancing to beautiful music, and being the silly little girl you were when you were here.
Jenna, you are terribly missed, and so very loved. And yes, Jenna, mommy is okay. She just misses you more than words can say. Happy birthday wherever you are. I hope that you are hopping around like Roo, dancing to beautiful music, and being the silly little girl you were when you were here.
2015-My little beauty. Where has the time gone. It is hard for me to imagine you being 14 years old. I imagine you being a fun loving girl with a great sense of humor. I imagine all the things that you would be doing and then it hits me...I will never get to experience that with you and the loss of those moments cuts like a knife. You are and will forever be my baby. How I wish you were here.
2014-The teenage years. We should be celebrating the first of the teen years this year. Instead I am dreaming of what should be and heartbroken all over again. It is hard at this point to even fathom what life would be like if Jenna were still here. Yet her absence still takes its toll. Jenna wherever you are and whatever you are doing, know that you are loved always; never forgotten and very much a part of my world still. I love you. Mommy.
2013- Jenna's 12 today! That is what my Facebook status should read. That is what our family should be celebrating. Instead, it is Jenna would have been twelve today...and we celebrate her in a much different way.
My heart hasn't forgotten and it never will. Through sadness there is love and it carries me as I navigate my way in life as a parent who lost a child.
Jenna my love...mama loves you and always will.
My heart hasn't forgotten and it never will. Through sadness there is love and it carries me as I navigate my way in life as a parent who lost a child.
Jenna my love...mama loves you and always will.
2012-I know it may seem strange to think that today we celebrate; but we do. Although our hearts ache, we celebrate the good things that Jenna has brought to our lives. Not just while she was here on this earth, but also what we have accomplished since she died. Jenna has 'directed' so many directions and paths taken and we can only be thankful for that.
So today we will celebrate. We will honor a remarkable child who continues to live through us in everything we do. Jenna we love you and we miss you. How we wish you were here with us. Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet little one. - Love Mommy, Daddy & Kelley.
So today we will celebrate. We will honor a remarkable child who continues to live through us in everything we do. Jenna we love you and we miss you. How we wish you were here with us. Happy Birthday in Heaven sweet little one. - Love Mommy, Daddy & Kelley.
2011-Happy birthday dear sweet Jenna. This is such a large milestone for any young person. You would have been ten years old this year. My mind wanders as I try to imagine all things you would be doing and the kind of young lady you would be turning into. How I wish you were here with us; especially for Kelley who, at times, tells me that she misses you even though she never really knew you.
I look back and still see all the birthdays, holidays, and special days we've missed. I look forward and see all the moments never to be. College, a white dress, a grandbaby bouncing on my knee...Jenna, your spirit is with me always, guiding me along my path. I listen to hear your voice in the wind and feel your love in the sunshine. You are forever my child living in my heart, filling it with love. You are one of life's greatest gifts and I am thankful each and every day that you are a part of me.
On this "grief journey" I have witnessed the miracle of life and death and how the human spirit can be so broken yet so hopeful. It is through our sorrow that we learn to hope again. Hope for love; hope for future moments of happiness; hope for peace. In all that hope there is also reflection on the past and all that should be.
Think of Jenna often and also remember those who have gone before us, never forget the love and joy that they brought to our lives. Live in that love and joy and share it with those around you. Always. -Lorri (Jenna's mommy)
I look back and still see all the birthdays, holidays, and special days we've missed. I look forward and see all the moments never to be. College, a white dress, a grandbaby bouncing on my knee...Jenna, your spirit is with me always, guiding me along my path. I listen to hear your voice in the wind and feel your love in the sunshine. You are forever my child living in my heart, filling it with love. You are one of life's greatest gifts and I am thankful each and every day that you are a part of me.
On this "grief journey" I have witnessed the miracle of life and death and how the human spirit can be so broken yet so hopeful. It is through our sorrow that we learn to hope again. Hope for love; hope for future moments of happiness; hope for peace. In all that hope there is also reflection on the past and all that should be.
Think of Jenna often and also remember those who have gone before us, never forget the love and joy that they brought to our lives. Live in that love and joy and share it with those around you. Always. -Lorri (Jenna's mommy)